Blurriness

This prolonged period of unaccountability, without schedule or responsibility, has made me amorphous, ephemeral. By never having to be somewhere at sometime, in some ways I am everywhere at any given time. I am Schrödinger’s cat, my existence defined by possibility and not reality. Living like this allows me to be here without thinking of when I must be there, and so able to be more present at any given time. At the same time, society cannot run without schedules, and so I am removed from society by my very present-ness. It is difficult to be a part of a group when you never know where you will be. Perhaps in this world there are more “see you thens” than “here I ams.”

I am a blur of motion, even I never know which way I will jump. And so any plans, even the most tentative, become abhorrent, fetters that chafe as they reduce the possibility to the reality. This is no way to live. It is good for a time, but I must once again take a form, anchor myself with disciplines and schedules. The thing about being equally everywhere is that I am also equally nowhere, impossible to find unless I am right in front of you. How can you relate to that? How can that relate to anyone or anything? I wanted to be a wandering minstrel, bringing joy and leaving memories, doing the good that came to me each day (George McDonald, Phantastes), and I think I was for a while. But as my resolve faded, as I lost my footing and began to despair, I lost sight of the purpose and fell in love with the means. Though my actions may never have changed, my purpose was no longer to “bring joy and leave memories,” I was just coming and going, each time I left I lost a little bit of myself, a little bit of faith in the world. Instead of a traveling servant I became a wandering ghost, just passing the time from here until eternity.

And so now it is time to anchor myself, to willfully bind myself so that I might once again become a man of substance.