The Last Supper

(March 20)
This morning I read from Mark’s account of the last supper, where Jesus tells the disciples to go, meet a man with a jug of water at the gate, then follow him home. And they “found things just as Jesus had told them” (14:16). And I think, isn’t that nice? Sometimes I do feel that things happen that way, I see the order and the providence. But now I don’t. I feel like I met the gentleman with the water and followed him into an alley, where all of his friends jumped out and kicked my ass. No nice dinner, no wine, just a seemingly unending string of meals purchased for under a dollar.

However, I must believe that something is coming. Something unexpected. Something, if not grand, at least divine. While using the word divine makes me feel a bit like a trailer trash hick waiting for his big lotto win, I don’t see how, as a Christian, I can escape it. Either God is or isn’t in control, and if he is, then I don’t have the right to despair, because it would not only be saying that I have nothing to offer, but that neither does God.

I also read Psalm 23 today, and just for kicks tried to put myself into it. Maybe Vancouver, with friends in a nice house eating good food, is my green pasture. I was kindof hoping that a job would be my green pasture, but maybe it’s a question of perspective. Maybe this is the first step to the restoration of my soul. Still a part of me asks why my soul can’t be restored as the same time as my bank account, but the other part tells me to shut my damn mouth and see what happens next.

Perhaps, on the other hand, this is my “Valley of the Shadow of Death.” A bit melodramatic, but it certainly seems to be a dark time in my life. Even if there are worse times to come (no less sobering than true), are the principles not the same? Should I not refrain from the fear of evil and find comfort in the Lord’s protection and guidance? What would that even look like? How does one balance due diligence and faith? In some ways my job is easy, because all I really can do is wait and see. And in some ways that seems the most difficult thing in the world to do. To wait, and believe that v. 5&6 will come true, be it a day, 40 years, or a life time from now in its culmination. Somehow it doesn’t make me feel all that much better.